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Funny Punnys
last edited on: Thursday, October 13, 2005, 9:44 PM, Central Daylight Savings Time















If it makes you laugh without hurting anyone, it's probably a funny punny!



Funny Punnys should be spelled Funny Punnies. 
But it wouldn't look as well,
punny !
what is so funny?


Goldielocks aka Goldie Dreadlocks!

So Damned Insane aka Saddam Hussein of course!

Kitty Kat aka Kinny Kat.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get change for a twenty?
NO!

To run from the butcher at the Church's?
NO!

Well, it would seem there is better competition across the road. You see, if the chicken goes across the road from Church's Chicken to KFC, where it costs more to buy chicken, there his chances of survival, that is, not being eaten right away, is better!

lkat this!

Life is short, so walk on a hill.

If it is better to think before you act, why are there so may bad television shows?

It's better to understand something than to stand under it!

If you make fun of someone it must mean that you are enjoying it,
but how come they aren't laughing?


Have you heard the saying "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.", well, that's silly, you know it's not the kind of people who throw stones who live in glass houses, these people live inside of caves! Of course the real meaning is that you should be discrete or discrete and diplomatic and be cautious and avoid being overheard and judged by those who can see through the facade of your lies.

If you talk about someone behind his or her back is it better to turn so that you and that person are facing away from each other so the slobber won't get all over both of you while you're in a shouting match?

If you slap me in the face I won't turn the other cheek, but rather I'll sue you. No, maybe I'll slap you back, no, that would be uncivilized, leave it up to a judge.

the race between the fat cat and the fast cat:
2 cats, the first is the fast cat and the second is the fat cat.
They set on a fence in an alley and on one side of the fence sets a big slice of cheese. On the other side of the fence is a frisky little rat.
Question> Which cat gets dinner?
Answer> The fat cat.
The reason is> The fast cat sprang over the fence and ran after the rat but it got away. So while the chase was on the big slow fat cat just mozied over to that big piece of cheese and began to munch out!

The moral to this story> The fast cat is slow upstairs and has been after that rat for the past ten years. Will he ever learn? Meanwhile, his fat brother Chubby, always knows their neighbor thinks possums like cheddar, perhaps, but Chubby is still faster than Ralph the local Possum. Chubby always leaves a tiny piece behind, just in case Ralph happens to be hungry.

Thirsty? talk about a big gulp!


Funky Bumper Stickers:

You are not alone

Don't flip me off, I'm an off duty cop!

Never mind him! I'm a road rage cop!And I'm on duty

Still copping the me mentality

Hey! what's that perfume you're wearing?

I had 2 bran muffins and a large cup of java!

If you can read this, then it's rush hour time.

If you are reading this you must be lost.

Life is what happens when the rest of us are driving!

Psst, got a minute? you forgot to turn off your head lights 
and it's 12 midnight!

I hate to rain on your parade, but you really aught to think of telling your boss how you really feel :)

Hate traffic? call 1-800-GIVE-UP
 
Last night I had a dream I was in a UFO. It's not a dream. OMG!

Warning! This vehicle is being driven by an experimental ape and is subject to sudden, unpredictable movements!

Got Road Rage? CALL:1-800-VOTE-NRA

Smile! You're on BUMPER CAM!

How's my driving!??? You're the one with a #%^&*$ &* front end!!!

CAN'T DRIVE 5

I just love the smell of hydrocarbons in the morning!

"I'm a good driver" When I'm not stoned!

"Are we there yet?"

http://www.people.com 'cause people can't drive!!!

need help? just pull over and pray!

GOT ROAD RAGE HUH?!TAKE TEN SECONDS TO THINK: How 'bout them Cowboys!

This traffic sucks!

Just think...when you get home after rush hour...You can forgedaboudit!

PLEASE DON'T DRIVE SO CARELESSLY YOU CREZY FREEKIN ASH BOWL! YOU MIGHT JUST GET  SOMEBODY KILLED!

NO PROBLEM! JUST LOOKING FOR MY......

SLOW THE FACT DOWN AND SMELL THE CONCRETE WHY DON'T YUZ!

I GET GREAT MILEAGE! AT 20 MPH EXCEPT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!!

PLEASE, GO AROUND ME, I DIDN'T EAT 2 WHOLE GRAIN MUFFINS AND COFFEE FOR BREAKFAST, 
SO I'M IN NO RUSH, 
HEH!

"Keep Honking!  I'm still loading!"

S--t Happens! IT ALSO SMELLS INCREDIBLY BAD!

Just say NO! to Psychotropic Drugs!!!

Just say: NO F------ WAY!

thank God for off ramps

thank God for death and taxes YEA, RIGHT!

Follow me! I going to the West End!

Follow me! I going to Deep Elum!

Follow me! I'm the only one driving away from ground zero!

Eat More Paint !

I luv big Dallas :>) But, I hate rush hour traffic!

I need to go to the bathroom!

If you know where the exit is, please honk! stupid.com

Old Stoners.com "Stop your whining and hand me that bottle over there!"

When there were round ups in the old western days, it meant simply that the cows or the horses were rounded up from the pasture to be brought back to the ranch.

Today, in the city of Oak Cliff, TX a round up means the city animal control is taking out the time to pick up all the stray dogs and cats:) bark bark!

In the olden days when people used to take it easy, it meant that it was time to take a little nap.

Today, in the big city, Dallas, in particular, when people take it easy, it means, "take all of my money, just don't kill me!".

A long time ago, approx. 35 years, going across meant going across the Trinity River Bridge to buy beer.

Today, however, it means the same darn thing!

Once upon a time it was normal to go out back to take a leak when you lived out in the country and no body was looking.

Yep, you guessed it, today there are people who think it's still okay. And you know it's true, so how far has civilization really gone?

When I was just a teen aged would be hippy boy, I ate those frozen pies with whip cream at 4 for a dollar, you know, the ones with the graham cracker crust they sold in the local grocery store.

Well, I still get sick from eating the who darned pie, but the only difference is, they cost around 3 dollars each. The good thing is, they taste pretty much the same as they did then, only I have a little bit more problems with the gaps between my teeth. Heh!

When I was a kid, rated R meant just a little bit of nudity at the drive in theater.

Now days all you have to do is watch the Letterman Show and you can watch Rich from Survivor bear all in front of fifty million tv viewers in just a few seconds!

Not too long ago a stop sign meant just what it says: STOP

Nobody knew then that it was being misinterpreted today as: SPEED UP, or get the hell out of the way!

Yea, I know the letters s,t,o,p don't work with that one, but that's really the new meaning behind stop.

When people used to ask: How are you doing today? It was just a friendly greeting.

Today, it's what my doctor asks me the moment I arrive for my weekly psycho analysis.

In the good old days of yore, when the knights and their merry men said it was one for all and all for one, they really meant: You look after us and we'll look after you.

Today, in the Big Brother 2000 house, it meant for 8 hours, we'll agree to walk out as King George has suggested, but in the morning, I'm looking out for my ass and staying and watch the King get over thrown by the masses.

Once, a while back, Albert Einstein invented the laws of relativity.

Today, everyone is busy breaking them!

When I was still in school, I liked to come home to a good record by Three Dog Night,  and sip on a cold glass of Dr. Pepper, on ice and a Mars Almond Bar, and draw pictures on large white poster boards of cartoons from Cartoon magazine and Dagwood Comics and Vampirella Magazines.

These days, I set at my Personal Computer, listen to KSCS FM radio, while sipping on a hot cup of brewed Columbian, and type junk on my Personal Home Pages. Not much has changed except my wife thinks I spend way too much time at my computer. I agree, it's an obsession. What's your obsession?
Don't answer that one. You were probably thinking about that commercial about perfume, am I right?

In the old days, back in the time before Mankind, the temperature of the Planet was pretty hot.

Today, in Dallas Texas things haven't changed a bit!  Global Warming my A!  The planet is heated by a ball of fire and contains a molten core, so what's all the hype? We cook everything in an oven at over 350 and we drink coffee hot enough to cook in, so what is the big danger?  got AC? I do. Turn it on for crying out loud! :-)

If bugs could talk, oh what a tell they would tell.
If walls could tell the story of past lives, what truths would they bring to light.
If cars could run on empty, what a great achievement for mankind!

What do I think is funny?

A person wearing his base ball cap on backwards trying to get on a bus.
When the guy starts to pay the driver he is asked: Mr. are you getting on, or off this bus?

The person wearing the base ball cap replies. Hmm Mr. Bus driver, I'm not really sure, but if you let me on, I'll tell you on my way off!

Now, that's a funny punny! :)

Here's another funny punny for you to take a lookat.

The patient is in the waiting room and it's full of people. After several hours and waking up from a deep sleep, he notices the clock on the wall. It was five o'clock. The waiting room was almost entirely empty and the cleaning ladies were going at it big time.

When the patient went up to the receptionist desk to ask if his name had been called, The woman smiled and replied. Is your name Mr. Davis? Yes, he replied curiously. Well, what happened is there were 17 Mr. Davis' today and half of them didn't speak English, so I guess you must have slept right through your appointment. But, what will I do? do I get to see my doctor? 

Or do I have to make another appointment? It's okay, you're doctor has your charts and is waiting for you now. The patient went inside and when the woman at the scales asked him his name he replied, Anthony Davis. Oh my, we already gave prescriptions to that Spanish fellow called Antonio Davis, You're Anthony Davis at ..da kda llllkdad Yes. 

Your files have already gone back to the records department. What were you here to see the doctor about? I came to get some skin moisturizer. The drugs I take cause severe dry skin that causes it also to break out in little red scaly bumps. Oh. the nurse says. She sends Mr. Davis to his room, number 23, and when about an hour later the doctor comes in. he apologizes for being late and getting his charts and names mixed up but there usually are only about 11 Mr. Davis' on a Monday. Maybe I need to change my name to the Bipolar Guy! he said somewhat irritated by the doctor's attempt at humor. 

No need to go that far, just take this prescription and next time you come to this clinic skip your Seroquel, because it makes people fall asleep on busses and while driving and needless to say, in dr.'s offices like this one. Anthony took the slip, and went home. The prescription was for a $5.00 bottle of ordinary generic moisturizing cream! :)

I know the story is long, but it is irony at it's best, that is I guess it is, kind of, well, maybe not. A real mind bender right? no. Okay, whatever. It's just something I came up with in a momentary lapse of reason while at the PC. :)


What do I think is funny?
America's Funniest Home Videos, Mad TV, and the 3 Stooges. etcettera.Wanna hear another funny punny? Of course you do. 

A mountain of unfolded clothes on top of a stack of bankers boxes full of old vhs tapes?

A glass vase, full of ice and dr. pepper?

Peanut butter on a cheeto?

Snappy the world's smallest one dollar gorilla being viewed by hundreds of people on earthcam tv?

How about a sign that says No existence! ?

A cat-dog car?

Having a giant remove your roof and vacuuming out the house of all its contents, then replacing your roof and now your house is clutter free. That giant would be a danger to society however. The shit he would uncover during his daily cleanings especially in Washington. :) LOL'

A doctor with no patience.

A 5 ounce can of little red cream soda.

A baker's half dozen?

Why do you think Psychiatrists charge around $120.00 per hour or more?
Because, only a crazy person would be willing to pay them that much!

Why do you think they call them STOP signs?
Because they are control freaks.

Home on Nose Island:


What's the difference between a similing chimpanzee and a smiling human?
Other than the fact we as humans don't really have anything to smile about, the chimp is grimmacing when he appears to be smiling, thus he expresses the opposite emotion from the human. When a person is smiling you can't tell if they are trully happy or just hiding under a false expression, and really mad as hell underneath that false image.

The point being? If a human grimaces, he expresses the way he feels but when he smiles, he is just pretending to be happy out of some cultural expectations. 
At least the chimpanzee is more honest with his feelings. This means the chimp is less likely to seek counceling as it is in his nature to be true to his feelings, not pretend to be happy when he is really on the verge of going balistic, like most humans, on the edge in our current society, under the level of stress we all experience every single blasted day of our lives in this brave new world.I'm sorry that wasn't really a very funny punny was it?

What is a funny punny ? Well, take this one for instance. How many hours does it take to see a doctor at Parkland? Almost as long as it takes to circumnavigate the universe!


Here's one for ya!
It's shopping cart pushing marathon for the Fall of 2002 at a local Kroger store. Each contestant has to determine the maximum number of shopping carts they can push. There are 10 contestants, and each time there is one cart added. When finnally there is only one person left who can push the maximum number of carts from the end of the parking lot to the front entrance of the store, they are the winner. The prize is: Manager for a day. Ain't that fantastic? silly really. 

Why do you think there are so many crimminals and so few law enforcent officers?
Because the crimminals don't get paid by the hour?

There were these two cats on an alley fence top.
One was fat and very slow and lazy, the other was thin and fit and very fast.
There was a hardy rat hanging out in the neighbor's back yard on one side of the fence, and there was a very nice hunck of cheddar cheese on the back steps on the other side of the fence. 
So who got to eat dinner?

Answer: The fat cat!
Why? Because, the fast cat thought it could catch the rat, but, as usual, the rat was too fast and the fast cat was slow upstairs, because while he was running all over the neighborhood chasing the elusive rat, his brother the pudgy one, took his time and headed on over the fence towards that beautiful, delictable, huge chunk of delicious cheese and as usual, by the time his brother came back exhausted, he was back on the fence and said: Want a piece of cheese? He didn't have the heart to tell him that he ate most of it already!

Sorpranos punny:
This guy is a mobster who just logged on to the internet, and is trying to use a search engine to find something.
I typed in: "what the fuck is logo therapy?"
all I get is a lot of porn sites!
What the fuck is that all about?
So I tried: "what the fuck is low carbs?"
I give up! It keeps giving me a list of about 10,000 different porn sites.
What gives?
BADA BING!
I ain't into porn, I just wanna learn a little somthing sos I can impress Jr.
Ya know!

Chihuahua Central:



Trixy and Buttercup - Dog Days of Summer - sent in to NBC5i.com in July 2004
Image provided by: John C. Davis Jr. my big brother.

The funny thing about this is these 2 dogs think this big hat is a UFO. Not a clue as to what it is, but the way they're looking at it makes you think they might be troubled by it's size. The idea that comes to mind is "Hey, it looked a lot smaller in that thumbnail on the internet where I placed an order for one. I didn't realise it was sooooo big!"

Give me a break Trixy and Butter Cup.

Funny Punnys
Saturday, January 08, 2005 3:57 PM CST
entry no. 001

Funny when you go check out at the store. 
You use your debit card and it tells you what to do.
It askes you if you want cash back even if you don't want any cash,
then it tells you your total but asks one final question:

Is the amount okay?

(of course the amount isn't okay. I want all my money back and this stuff that I bought for free! This is too easy!) :P

my answer is: 
Not really. I would rather pay much less for every item
I have just chosen. 
as if you could argue the point, 
but more to the point,
if the amount isn't okay, what is that supposed to imply? 
That you are satisfied with the prices?
That you think you have not been over charged?
That you hope you have not been placed on an email list?
That you have enough money in your account to pay for the stuff?
That you really like the prices in their store? I seriously doubt that!
That you have been given a raw deal.

I go to a what ya ma call it MART and see they have many items in candles marked down to a dollar, but some items are still the regular price. 
I see the dollar tag on the shelf but I am still baffled.

I have no trust in that shelf tag. Does this tag mean the gold candle stand is in fact for sale for one dollar? One must go search out one of 39 in store scanners and find one close by. Then one must indeed scan the candle stand to see if it is priced for a dollar. Oops! It scans at 3.96. Negative outcome, not good!

I figure now is the best time to have a camera phone and to have the store's corporate office memorized. Cause you can send them a pic of the darn thing and let 'em know that you are'nt just whistling dixie. Your words will carry lots more weight if you can Email them a pic of the stupid shelf tag and the several items so called on clearance. Clarence is an item marked down when a season has gone away and left overs still occupy the store and need to be sold at a discount as fast as possible to make room for the new nifty merchandise. 

The dumb thing is, in most cases if you can't find a clerk you have to hastle the cashiers up front and then again if you find a clerk who runs that particular department you won't get them to admit error.
I had to put back a nice sculputure of an American Eagle with wings spread where it was clearly displayed for a special low price of $5.00 but when I took it to the clerk in that department, she openly denied having been  directly responsible for this price error. 

I almost laughed as the woman tried to skirt the issue and insist this was an unusual situation but I felt in good humor that day since it was days until Christmas, and I didn't want to get her in trouble so I placed the little eagle back on it's shelf and let her off the hook. Had it been some time in February when I am really bored an have to stay indoors too long, I might have taken the matter up with management.

What management? They don't seem to know who is running the show.
This is not a very funny punny is it? Reality is more stupid than funny, tragic than whimsical, but alas, I regress. I know it is digress, but I like to make pun of words.


 

LATA :)




 



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